This just in: House bill 1337 requires all U.S. Citizens to purchase tooth brushes or receive a 250$ fine, 10 days jail time, or both. Subsidies will be provided for low income families who can’t afford tooth brushes.
The narrow 51/49% vote is considered an enormous win for President Barack Obama and the democratic party, who’s approval numbers had been waining in recent months due to unfair criticism by the media and school yard bullying by the republican party.
“Now even less fortunate people with bad teeth will be able to focus more on their ‘arts and crafts’ project time and less on their dental hygiene.” – Nancy Pelosi
The Congressional Budget Office published estimates for the Bills fiscal impact, based on an implementation date of 2014. the CBO estimates that by 2017, 297 million Americans will have tooth brushes, and 220 million americans will be brushing semi-regularly. They also estimate a 250 million dollar revenue for fines and penalties imposed on brushless naysayers.
the remaining 15 million unbrushed americans are either denture wearers or newborn babies.
Update 3/22/2010 1:07 PM – Amending bill passed:
Now, all US citizens are required to brush at least 3 times a week unless they’re disabled, or on medicare in which case, tooth brushes aren’t covered. Also, members of congress aren’t required to have tooth brushes, although they’ll be provided free of charge for the duration of their term.
Update 3/22/2010 2:10 PM – Executive Order Issued:
An executive order by President Barack Obama modifies the existing legislation so that pregnant woman are encouraged to brush regularly, but won’t pay a fine if they choose not to brush.
Note: This is satire. However, it being as believable as it is should be a statement in and of its self.
The United States Department of Education is seeking bids from Vendors to purchase 27 (count) 12 gauge Remington Model 870 Police 14″ shotguns, according to the Federal Business Opportunities Website, FBO.gov.
FBO.gov is a Federal Website that allows federal agencies to list “business opportunities” and contract fulfillment opportunities to businesses throughout the United States, presumably in an effort to make the Federal bidding and fulfillment process more accessible and fair.
To see the bid solicitation, click here. Or, if you’re having trouble, you can always click the image above.
According to the Department of Education, the Remington Model 870 Police Shotgun is:
designated as the only shotguns authorized for ED based on compatibility with ED existing shotgun inventory, certified armor and combat training and protocol, maintenance, and parts.
I’m curious. Can someone on the internetz help me understand the following:
- Why does the US Department of Education have an existing shotgun inventory?
- Why does the US Department of Education have certified armor and combat training?
- Why does the US Department of Education need 27 more 12 gauage Shotguns?
Is this part of the No Child Left Behind act? Given the opportunity to theorize on my own, I guess there is a possibility these 27 shotguns are for Federally funded gun safety courses? You know, giving high schoolers the opportunity to learn how to use and an operate a shotgun safely?
Of course, that’s only one possibility. Can anyone shed some light on this topic?
The state Assembly is scheduled to vote on a resolution Thursday calling for a statewide “Cuss Free Week,” to occur annually during the first week of March. If approved, it would go to the state Senate for a final vote on Monday.
via Plainview Daily Herald > AP Headlines.
You would think that with California’s economy being almost completely bankrupt, there would be more pressing issues to work on.