This just in: House bill 1337 requires all U.S. Citizens to purchase tooth brushes or receive a 250$ fine, 10 days jail time, or both. Subsidies will be provided for low income families who can’t afford tooth brushes.
The narrow 51/49% vote is considered an enormous win for President Barack Obama and the democratic party, who’s approval numbers had been waining in recent months due to unfair criticism by the media and school yard bullying by the republican party.
“Now even less fortunate people with bad teeth will be able to focus more on their ‘arts and crafts’ project time and less on their dental hygiene.” – Nancy Pelosi
The Congressional Budget Office published estimates for the Bills fiscal impact, based on an implementation date of 2014. the CBO estimates that by 2017, 297 million Americans will have tooth brushes, and 220 million americans will be brushing semi-regularly. They also estimate a 250 million dollar revenue for fines and penalties imposed on brushless naysayers.
the remaining 15 million unbrushed americans are either denture wearers or newborn babies.
Update 3/22/2010 1:07 PM – Amending bill passed:
Now, all US citizens are required to brush at least 3 times a week unless they’re disabled, or on medicare in which case, tooth brushes aren’t covered. Also, members of congress aren’t required to have tooth brushes, although they’ll be provided free of charge for the duration of their term.
Update 3/22/2010 2:10 PM – Executive Order Issued:
An executive order by President Barack Obama modifies the existing legislation so that pregnant woman are encouraged to brush regularly, but won’t pay a fine if they choose not to brush.
Note: This is satire. However, it being as believable as it is should be a statement in and of its self.
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